helicon_grove | talk about a reunion...

["Merlin" pauses in the middle of shuffling a pile of papers, clearly not expecting company after classes ended the first day. After the summer break, students tended to flood out of the school with relief, wanting to quickly reach their homes for some respite.]

Yosuke. [Blinking, he takes in the now third year's appearance, frown making his eyebrows crease in concern. All things considered, Merlin had known Yosuke would take Souji's absence badly, even if they weren't together here like they had been in Johto. The two of them had always been close.]

You look like hell. [He tells his friend with a bluntness his other students would never really be exposed to; he reserves it only for the Investigation Team.] You should get some rest--what are you even still doing here when you don't even have my class today?

D-dude, it's not-- ugh... [It doesn't take much for his expression to morph into something more exasperated, looking to the door and realizing he should make sure he's completely closed. The last thing he needed was people gossiping even more about him. A few hours and everyone is already talking.]

[Once he does that, though, his weight shifts -- less from the awkward teenager he was known to be -- standing straighter and more poised while looking down at him from where he stood.]

I'm gonna say two words, I need you to tell me if they mean a damn thing to you, okay? [No, he's not even acknowledging any of the other stuff. Not yet, at least.]

[Now that Merlin notices. It's not easy to pinpoint the change, but something is different, and Merlin's expression grows pensive as he considers Yosuke.]

All right. [The words are spoken slowly, cautiously. Even if he doesn't know what Yosuke is trying to get at, Merlin can tell this is important--far more important than maybe he'd suspected at first.

He glances at the door, too, and for a second his fingers twitch on the table before he catches himself. True, Yosuke had known about his magic back then, but he didn't now. None of the others did. The only hints of his discomfort are a slight pursing of his lips....and the index finger of his left hand rubbing absently over his thumb--as if it remembered something that had once been there but no longer is.] Go on.

[He hesitates, watching the motion, and countering with his own; he makes an attempt to adjust glasses that are not on his face. Right. He has to keep reminding himself that he doesn't wear glasses yet. A small sigh, and he closes his eyes.]

[It's hard to spit the words out. But he knows he has to be right about this; there's no way this can be anyone but the Merlin he once knew -- there were far too many coincidences. If anything, it's one person who has to remember -- and right now, he needs a confidant.]

[Drawing in a breath, his expression falls a bit. The confrontation of his own memories is a bit much for him to bear. Though his tone's serious and firm, there is a slight breakage in it.]

...Breeding Centre. [He immediately winces a bit as the words come out of his mouth.]

[So that's it, then. Something in his chest loosens even as he stands behind his desk, equal parts astonished and relieved. He chews at his lip, regaining his composure, then lets a soft, shaky sigh escape him. It's followed by a flash of gold in his eyes and something settling over them, muffling all senses for a brief second before it seems to dissipate into nothing.]

You remember? [It's then that Merlin's demeanor changes, too, just a bit of weariness clinging to his frame. It doesn't dampen the obvious hope working its way into his tone.] It's already been a few weeks since we defeated Izanami--I remember you'd all said that was when you'd been taken to Johto--I started thinking none of you would.

[His eyes close, and without much thought, he sits at the desk closet to Merlin's. There's no leaning back, relaxing - no, he's hunched forward, threading his fingers through his hair and quite obviously somewhere between relieved and distressed.]

I remembered it about a week later. I... woke up, thinking I was still there until I opened my eyes. [He lets out one of his famous self-deprecating laughs.] Guess I should've expected it to end eventually. It's easy to get comfortable after that long.

[He finally leans back in the seat rubbing the ring finger on his right hand a bit idly.] I know you said you'd find a way to us, but dude.

Don't congratulate me just yet. [His tones take on an acerbic, self-mocking sting, his expression clouding over. For a moment, the lines of his face are uncharacteristically harsh, and the warm companion Yosuke might have known in Johto is replaced by a stranger worn thin by his troubles.] This wasn't my doing.

[Realising he's lashing out without good reason, Merlin lets the tension drain out of him, and when he next speaks, his voice is much gentler.]

Why didn't you just...look for me as soon as you remembered? You have my number. [The "like old times" rests on his tongue, but is never voiced. It doesn't need to be.]

Uh-- [He pauses for a second, his head tilting to the side, almost questioning. He's curious, but he also knows better than to pry; not here. He takes in another breath, almost as if he has to keep telling himself how to breathe.]

I kinda got used to that whole "you don't talk about things people probably forgot" thing, I guess. [Though mostly, it's been because he's been so caught in thought that he didn't think to.] I mean... shit. This whole thing...

[He looks down at his hand, biting on his lip. It's funny how a crappy situation can draw out old insecurities, isn't it?] This whole thing is so... fucking messed up, man.

[He wants to be mad, but it's obvious he's a little too broken for that.]

Tell me about it. [The initial flash of giddiness at someone remembering everything fades, leaving only exhaustion in its wake. For once, he'd have someone to talk to this about, but it doesn't feel like much of a consolation at current, with both of them so drawn from the experience.] I guess all of us were wrong. The badges, the league...they did nothing to get us home. It just...happened.

[Before he can help himself, he lifts his hand, palm up, gaze drawn to it. Appearance wise, he hasn't changed much since Yosuke last saw him--he can't have.]

No kidding... with no damn idea of who will remember and when.

[And with that, Yosuke falls to a state of complete silence. He's not thinking straight; he can't with his head so cluttered. He has a million questions for Merlin, the hows and whys, the what ifs and wat dos. But he can't spit any of them out.]

[No, his expression is only further crumbling. Speaking this out loud is making it too damn real, and it means that he's legitimately in a state of never know if and when Souji will remember... well, everything. Burying his face in his hands at the desk, he's fighting to hold back tears, almost determined to not let them fall. He learned that in Johto, right? Better control of his emotions? If he did, he's forgotten it in this younger body.]

I... would've been fine. Not leaving. Jiraiya, Kana... shit... Those bastards...

I know...I was the same.

[The emotions on Yosuke's face are familiar. Hadn't he gone through the same thing when he woke up in Camelot, staring without comprehension at the cramped space of his room in Gaius' quarters? Though it's been years upon years since that lifetime, Merlin still remembers the cold shock of recognition seeping into him. Realising he'd lost what felt like everything had been a sharp slap to the face then. And though he'd made the promise, he hadn't been sure if he'd ever see any of them again. Souji, Yosuke, Rise, Arturia.

The name makes Merlin suck in a breath as something else occurs to him.]

Souji? [It's silly, he knows, but he can't help darting a look down at Yosuke's ring finger first.] Are you...going to call him?

[He doesn't catch where Merlin is looking -- at that's probably for the better, given his current state. The empty feeling on his finger is a million times worse than the bizarre sensation of not wearing glasses all the time. When he's more calm, he wants to talk properly about this -- what happened when Merlin left, how he managed to get to Inaba -- Yosuke knows there's hundreds of years that are supposed to separate them. But right now, his focus, what little of it he has, is elsewhere.]

[Yosuke doesn't move his hands, but still shakes his head. He's not doing well at all, choking out a quiet sob. It hurts, it hurts everywhere to be in this situation, and while he's been suppressing it as best he can around the others, he can't hold it in anymore.]

I talked to him a couple of times, but... [He rubs away the fallen tears, drawing in a deep breath and sniffling.] I -- I don't think he has any idea.

[Merlin isn't without his own losses, of course. He, of all people, knows what it's like to wake up somewhere, remembering everything...only to find that everyone else has forgotten. He, too, found love in Johto...only to lose it upon waking.

He can't imagine what it's like for Yosuke, though, knowing Souji's here, just out of reach, and has forgotten every significant step they'd taken together.

In the blink of an eye, Merlin pushes aside his own feelings and embraces Yosuke, giving the other boy--no, a man now--the comfort he needs. Now isn't the time to be selfish.]

I'm sorry.

[The motion takes him completely by surprise, and in classic Yosuke fashion, he immediately sputters a bit.]

Du-dude...! We-we're at school and you're a teacher. If anyone walks through that door, we are so, so screwed!

[Despite this, though, he's grateful. Merlin's been around for him through a lot of ups and downs -- and his fair share of crappy situations across the board. After this long, he's grown accustomed to Merlin's hugs, and in some way, it makes him feel a little better about things. He doesn't really reciprocate the embrace, but that's normal, isn't it?]

A-anyways... it's not something you have to apologize for.

Oh, you don't need to worry about that. They're not going to see anything even if anyone walks in right now. [The smile he gives Yosuke then is one of quiet confidence--a smile of someone assured in their own power.

Then, he pulls back, eyes wide, trademark playfulness coming back in full-force.] But Yosuke, we weren't doing anything. [An exaggeratedly fake gasp of surprise.] Unless--!

DUDE.

Don't even joke about that. That's just --- that's just wrong. ["For we are bros. And I keep a kunai strapped to my leg."]

[In any case, he's wiping his eyes a bit, letting out a small chuckle. Merlin's always been good at making a situation somehow seem less bleak that way.]

You said it first. [What follows is a horrible attempt at mimicking Yosuke's voice.] Dude, what if someone sees us??

[Not even bothering to keep a straight face, Merlin chuckles, finally letting go of Yosuke with one last squeeze to his shoulder. The small smile on Yosuke's face is a huge improvement from the initial bleakness--much, much better.]

I wasn't lying about that, you know. [He nods at the door.] Unlike in Johto, my magic still works here.

[He ruffles his hair a bit sheepishly, grumbling a bit. It's not the furthest cry from how he'd have reacted a few years ago (Johto-time, of course), but it's definitely far more subdued than it once would have been.]

Yeah, I... kinda forgot about that part. It's just... a lot right now, I guess. To take in.

I don't blame you. [He tilts his head, smiling ruefully.] Five years in Johto, and you never saw me use magic even once. It was easy to forget who I was.

[Hands gripping the edge, Merlin props himself against the desk thoughtfully.] I was glad. It gave me a chance to be someone other than "Merlin, the warlock who helps Arthur to the throne."

Well, it's... not like you're defined by your magic, you know? [He shrugs a little.] That's just one side of you. Just like our Personas and our Shadows are all just different sides.

And believe me, anyone who only thinks that of you is pretty dumb. I know you had close ties to the guy and all, but he... was kind of an asshole. A lot. [Shrugs. This is an interesting distraction.]

[And just like that, Merlin's reminded fiercely why he's spent so much effort looking for his friends. All those years of waiting...they're more than worth it for friends like this.]

You're wiser than most people I knew back home, then. [Aside from Francis and Lovino, who else had told him that? Lancelot? But he was one of the first to go.] Seems like that was all they saw in me.

I dunno about wise, haha... we've been through a lot of shit. Here, in Johto... I think I'd be the dumbass if it wasn't like this.

[The boy has grown up so much in four and a half years, hasn't he?] Screw those guys. I mean, whatever, they were important. But you had us in Johto and you have us now. So... whatever. If anything, I remember, bro. [And then immediately groaning.] Souji's speeches are rubbing off on me...

All that time after I left Johto...I never forgot any of you. [Those countless nights of waking in a panic, shaking like a leaf, certain he was still trapped--remembering he still had a future to look to was probably the only thing that had kept him going.

Though he'd normally latch onto that, tease Yosuke about Souji rubbing off on him...he doesn't now. It seems wrong somehow, the moment between them too poignant to break with a joke like that. So, instead, he smiles freely.]

You are wise. We've all helped each other past so many things--it'd be strange if we didn't grow up some, yeah?

Edited 2011-10-27 07:33 (UTC)

Yeah, guess you're right about that. [Wincing so hard. He feels like he can crack a joke of his own; this feels normal -- like they're on the same page, which is honestly the one thing that Yosuke really needs right now.]

Though maybe I'd feel more like it if I wasn't in the body of a seventeen year old. Dude. It's frickin' weird. In waaaay more ways than I really want to admit.

Oh. [Surprise takes over his features for a moment, and for the first time since they'd crossed paths in Inaba, Merlin really looks at Yosuke. There's some puzzlement, too.]

I forgot about that. I guess the difference would be pretty big for a seventeen year old and a twenty two year old. You used to wear glasses, too, right? [His voice wavers on the question, uncertain. He'd retained a general knowledge of how his friends in Johto looked, but the memories have grown blurry with the passing of time.

Something cold like resentment grips at his chest again, making him frown. Losing all the little details, the little pieces that make up his friends--that scares him more than anything. How much has he lost, forgotten since he first woke up in his room all those years ago? It feels like the rug's been pulled out from under his feet and he has to climb back onto his feet and start anew. Relearn everything. How long would it take before it feels as if he knows them better than the back of his hand again. Before those little moments of disconcert become fewer and there's no need to utter the words "oh, that's right"?]

Sorry...it's been a while for me. ["A while" being about a thousand years or so, of course.]

Understatement, man. It's barely like being in my own body sometimes, I swear. Especially with-- [N-never mind. Talking about that is so just something that doesn't need to happen, so.]

A-anyways... yeah. I'm still kind of trying to get used to that "no glasses" thing. Though I guess now I'll know when it's time for me to get them? [He lets out a weak chuckle, eying Merlin. His memories of Johto are still fresh; maybe too fresh for his liking. He sees the features, ones he's grown accustomed to seeing so often and it was really uncanny how he hasn't aged.]

[He figures it comes with who he is though, so he's not about to question it much. Yosuke has his own resentment at hearing Merlin's words. He knows this feeling, though it seems like its been years since he's felt it. Jealously, envy - hit wounds are too fresh and nearly every thing he sees or does is like pouring sea salt into his wound and blowing directly on the open flesh.]

No worries, man. [Another halfhearted chuckle, his tone clearly something close to flippant.] I kind of wish that stuff was fuzzy.

[If only or how much less he thinks it would hurt, as wrong as he may be. Time heals all wounds, right? Surely that much time has to have something, even numbness, that would make the hole in his chest feel less hollow.]

Do you? [The words are surprisingly icy, a tone that Yosuke's probably never heard from the previously easy-going man.

He should be above losing his temper like this, Merlin knows. Yet, his efforts to stem the steady flood of anger through his body are largely unsuccessful. It's all he can do not to shake Yosuke for saying something so foolish. The desk creaks quietly in protest as his hands tighten their grip on the edge, and Merlin has to look away, as if the sight of Yosuke pains him at that very moment.]

You have no idea, do you? [When he does speak again, his whisper belies the earlier display of anger.] What do you think it's like, wanting to remember the important things but you can't because all the years start blurring together? When it's been so long that you aren't sure if the memories you have are real or something you just dreamed or imagined. When even you start forgetting their faces, their voices, everything that you worked so hard to learn about them before...

[His voice cracks slightly.] Is that what you really want?

[For a second he sits, dumbfounded at the reactions. It's definitely unlike Merlin -- years are visibly taking a toll on him this way. But with the way Yosuke's feeling, the way he can't get the knots in his stomach to untwist, it's fucking painful and he can't help but snap back. He slams his fist against the top of his desk, eyes narrowing. His tone is low, equally icy.]

You don't know shit about what I want if you even have to ask that. Going every single day, seeing people who don't remember what happened. Yeah, maybe you get that. Maybe you get losing people, going so long without seeing him.

It's not the same though, dammit! [He yells it and it's obvious that everything that's been building -- the dam is breaking. Though he's yelling now, there are cracks in his voice and tears in his eyes.] Talking to him? Pretending things are okay?

Pretending that I'm still that goofy-ass seventeen year old who was just looking forward to Golden Week so we could get crappy steak croquettes and hang out at Junes? I can't fucking do that! I can't -- shit, with how long things took for me and Souji - for things to just be okay!? And I have to pretend none of that shit ever happened?

Every day is a fucking reminder. Seeing Chie, Yukiko, Kanji -- anyone! They were there too! From that first fight to the -- [He crumbles a little, about to mention the rings, but unable to get the words to come from his mouth. He sinks back in the seat, choking out a broken sob.]

[After a long, tense silence, he finally says, tone biting through the cracks.] When it hurts to be awake, it's a hell of a lot easier to want to forget.

[If he was angry before, Yosuke's reply only makes him practically breathless with rage.

Before he can help it, a low, harsh, nearly hysterical laugh bubbles up and escapes him.]

You know what? I take it back. You still have a lot to learn before you're wise. [He leans in, eyes narrowed at Yosuke, all the while ignoring the swiftly shrinking part of him telling him this isn't like him at all.]

Pretending things are okay, you said. And just what, exactly, do you bloody think I've been doing all this time? I spent half a year seeing you, Chie, and Yukiko around the school and forcing myself to walk past you all like we've never met before. Then the year after that, working along with the Team, pretending I didn't know every new person who came into the picture, that everything would work out in the end.

And then after Izanami, waiting day by day, hoping one of you would say something, give me a hint that you'd remembered. How do you think I felt when one week, and then another, passed without a word from anyone? When I thought that maybe I'd gotten it wrong, and none of you would regain your memories from Johto?

You're right--maybe it isn't the same. I was never in a relationship with any of you, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I care for you all deeply and love you like family. That doesn't make what I felt any less than what you feel now. Believing otherwise is just plain selfish and ignorant.

Edited 2011-10-27 09:29 (UTC)

There's a difference. A huge difference.

[His tone is still broken, but there's a serious bite to his words now, apparent that his bitterness is seeping to the surface now. It takes him a minute, trying to compose himself to let the words pass his lips. When he finally looks back up, there is a vicious fire in his eyes, despite the tears that line them. He is angry, he is hurt, he is confused. Time has changed things, and in this case, not in the good way.]

You chose to put yourself in this situation, Merlin. To come to Inaba at all - to stick around when you knew we wouldn't remember for that long, if we remember at all. You could've walked away! You could've not inserted yourself into our lives, gotten involved with everything in the other world -- all of it!

I don't get that fucking decision. This? This is my reality. I can't leave, I can't ignore that these people are here. They were in my life before Johto.

So who's the selfish one, Merlin? The person who could never do a goddamn thing to change the situation, or the one who chose to put themselves in the crappy situation? I'm pretty sure I'm not the ignorant one for that.

[He bites on his lip, standing up. He feels weak and dizzy, but his flight instincts are kicking in. He knows he's going to be sick if this keeps up much longer - he knows from the way his stomach is churning, intensifying with each passing second. It's too much for him right now.]

Edited 2011-10-27 17:15 (UTC)

[It's only April, and he can only feel cold when the weather is perfectly warm. He chokes over his words, expression crumbling.]

You think I wanted this? To keep looking like this--[His hand marks a jerky, agitated motion at his body]--when everyone else keeps growing, keeps dying? To live without really living, always left waiting for someone I'm not even sure will ever come back? I never wanted this.

I... [He wavers.] I had no where else to go.

[And that does it. All the sadness, all the loneliness kept at bay finally breaks through the dam of anger, flooding back into his senses, overwhelming him. The tears spill over before Merlin can stop them and he ducks his head to hide his face. What traces of anger had lingered after that initial break melt away, a bone-deep exhaustion taking its place as he turns his back to Yosuke. Merlin quickly scrubs his sleeve over his eyes before busying himself with his papers, shuffling them into neat, little piles.

He probably shouldn't have come to Inaba.]

Go ho--back to your house, Yosuke. [Merlin corrects himself; "home" is in a place neither of them will ever see again. Despite the underlying tension, Merlin's voice is carefully neutral as he addresses Yosuke.] I'll see you in class tomorrow.

Edited 2011-10-27 18:36 (UTC)

[The reaction is one that causes Yosuke to instantly crumble - he's known Merlin for years now, and he's never been one to lash out this way, or even break down. The neutrality that overtakes his voice only serves to make things worse.]

[He turns to face the door, a hand cupping his mouth. He feels heavy, like stone, and he has to will himself to be able to move. He swallows hard, wincing a bit before dropping his hand. It's taking everything in him to not the flee the room and completely empty his stomach; that's how sick he feels over this. As if everything is completely irreparable right now.]

Yeah, [It takes all of his effort to feign neutrality, but the underlying guilt and sadness still leaks into his tone.] See you tomorrow then, Merlin.

Safe walk back. [That's all the reply Merlin allows, trusts himself to give. He's already said too much.

Only when he hears the door of the classroom slide shut does he let go of the tightness about his shoulders and eyes, slumping forward in defeat. His hands tremble against the surface of the table.]

That went well. [He laughs mirthlessly, wordlessly directing the stack of papers into his case instead of picking them up and risking scattering them again. It'll take longer than a few brief minutes to collect himself after this.

In the oppressing silence of the classroom, the click of the case's lock sounds oddly final.

talk about a reunion...

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I was shaking while writing this TAT ...also gives you all the edits

/sobbing everywhere ide

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